[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Guilty! 🤪
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]