Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Me: how was school?

My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

Reminder:

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.