Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0