Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
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ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.