Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”