Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.