Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
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We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
True story 🤣
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I would move hell over six inches for you
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny