Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
You Might Also Like
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’ve had relationships like this
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.