Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

#inspiration #foodforthought