Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
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My neighbor鈥檚 smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don鈥檛 do this
ME: oh i鈥檓 just getting started
Me: [2007] next year I鈥檒l meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I鈥檒l live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Her: She鈥檚 a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.