Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”