Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.