[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
When I said I liked it rough.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.