Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza