Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.

Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.