Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

I think about this a lot

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.