Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
accurate
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.