Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
for all #parents out there
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats