Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.