Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.