Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Same pineapple, same

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

There’s only one good girl here!

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test