Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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thats my bad
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Shakespeare: Know thyself
Me: [changes into trashy t-shirt before eating spaghetti]
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.