Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
linkedin the good parts
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?