Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.