Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

I’m awake but I object,

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again