Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND