Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Optional boss fight.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt