Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks