Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.