Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack