Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
All. The. Damn. Time.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*