Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

lmao

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

🫶

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

🤣🤣