tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Matt Goss
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
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