tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
you’re damn right i have
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Breaking news:
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.