Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Simple enough.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”