Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece