Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger