Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
A wise man once said nothing.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”