Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…