Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
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We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again