Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Ummm 😳
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Unexpected Judgment
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them