Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
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Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Social Media and Real life
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.