Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Ladies, why y’all do this?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
