Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP