Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
translated into Canadian
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.