Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
In case you needed to hear it:
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now