Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
The Joker was right