Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.


Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”


I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.


I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car


Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.


Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.


Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ???? ???? ???? *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three