My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ???? ???? ???? *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three