Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
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TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.