Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.