Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

ㅤ

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?