Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
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My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her