Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying