Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.