tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
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Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.