Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Snapes on a plane.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.