tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Cndnsd Mlk
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I didn’t come here to be called names
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
We decided to have money instead of children.