tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
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Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Okey dokey.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Thursday Thought.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
All is fair in drunk and war.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18