Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I am HOWLING at this
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.