Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.