Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
You Might Also Like
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
WTF IS THAT!
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol