Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside