Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
forgive me baja for i have blast
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”