Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?