Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE