Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
You Might Also Like
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”