Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Breaking news:
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach