Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.![]()
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Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
This is a bad sign
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
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If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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