Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked