Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Basketball
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)