Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.