Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
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At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My background check bounced.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.