Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.