Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”