Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english