Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
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Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.